Design A Man \ what bullshit

He will sing Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are, and as he sings it he means every word of it. “No need pretense, no need to try to work that hard”. My lowly maintained states can sweep him off his feet.

He will follow me, or bring me, to art museums – local ones, foreign ones – he knows I love these artifacts. He will borrow books such as ‘Literature for Dummies’ from the library, not in hope to impress me further, but to understand my passion.

He will never get bored of anything I speak of. He will never want to stop listening to what I want to say, even if sometimes the words are silent. He will want to spend time with me, sitting anywhere, walking everywhere, even though when indulging in wordless conversations, things are comfortable.

He will want to watch my favorite films, listen to my favorite peculiar song choices of Eminem to Frank Sinatra. He will want to make an effort to get the glorious statement from Harry Burns etched into his mind, and then modify it to make it fit into the romance that we share. He does not have to try so hard to make it all seemingly seamless, because over-dramatizing the details is sometimes showy and flamboyant – we do not want that. He just has to be nice, enough, and sweet, enough.

He will want to make my family a part of his. He loves making my mother and my sister smile, and he shares numerous man-to-man moments with my father, talking about anything ranging from politics to basketball.

He will not be one of those who are “never ready to commit, never wanting to settle”. I claim that I understand them, but in fact I don’t. When you love somebody, won’t you want to spend the rest of your life with them, and start it as quick as possible? Take Ben Affleck in He’s Just Not That Into You, he married Jennifer Aniston anyway. Because he can’t live without her. And this person I’m looking for has to have these intentions, that living without me is like living without rain. Or sunshine. Or whatever clichés women love to hear.

“So, ma’am. May I check the availability of this person I’m looking for?” I asked the middle-aged lady who casted me a look of bewilderment after listening to my Mary Poppins-styled list of perfect traits.

She adjusted her name tag that stated “Manager, Design A Man Store”, cleared her throat, and in her prim and proper mannerism she announced,
“Oh, my dear. I’m pleased that you have such high expectations and huge faith in our store’s products. I understand that our store has been established and known as the only store in the world that entitles women their ideal personalised partners. However, our customisation services are rather limited. What you have in your list are a total of over ten perfected characteristics, and those, my dear, are beyond the average human capacity. And the thing is, our products do not last a lifetime. Every product comes with a limited warranty period. And we do consider refunds, if our clients are not 100% satisfied with our products!”

Stumbled, I managed an assuring smile and walked out of the Design Store.
“This is bullshit. He doesn’t exist.”


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